A familiar guest accompanies many of my patients into the consulting room. Quiet and often unannounced, it typically makes its presence known through a self-referencing that feels clipped, proficient, but often disapproving. “I should have caught that.” “I know better.” “Why do I keep behaving this way?” It sounds, at first, like accountability, maybe even motivating or a form of discipline they have relied on for self-improvements, promotions, and socially appropriate behavior. It can be a useful function, so why question it? Yet, they’ve built a life with this guest driving from the backseat, accounting for an array of corrections needed to show up better.
Here is what I’ve come to realize as I have worked with individuals in psychotherapy for years, this type of self-referencing was never about improving performance, but about a sense of safety. It’s an attempt to get ahead of any potential disappointment, ridicule, or rejection. Like the coldness that comes from a parent’s indifference, or the confusion of conditional love not spoken, but felt. The guest moved in early and went to work in the service of self-protection.
So, when I talk to patients about self-compassion, I’m careful to differentiate it from worn over phrases like, “be kind to yourself” or “just treat yourself like you would treat a stranger.” It’s not about being nicer to yourself. What I’m referring to is something more like self-courage that summons you towards engaging the part of you suffering without immediately trying to resolve it. Can you let it be there, uncomfortable and messy, without immediately silencing it, fixing it, or outperforming it? It’s not evidence that something is necessarily wrong. More likely, you weren’t taught that suffering could just be witnessed and does not require an emotional fire extinguisher. So, self-compassion isn’t affirmations to write on your mirror (nothing wrong with that), but a relationship you build with parts of yourself that you’ve spent a lifetime trying to manage, disavow, or outpace. Its slow and can be inefficient. Its uncomfortable, at first, because you must sit with the feelings, sensations, and perceptions you’ve spent a lifetime managing.
It might be more accurate to refer to it as curious compassion because practicing compassion can turn into just another performance or management tool. But being curious of harshness towards yourself, or curious about the emotional exhaustion you’ve grown accustomed to, or aware of the vacancy you feel underneath the most recent promotion – can land differently. That’s where a shift can begin to take hold because you are finally turning towards the part of you that is in need of a kind, curious witness, not another manager.
This work can’t be done alone, it requires the presence of an Other. Someone steady enough to witness the parts of you that learned it wasn’t safe to bring into the relationship.
If some of this is landing. If there is a heaviness in reading this, or a recognition of the familiar guest in your mind, that’s worth noting. It’s where the real work can begin.
By Scott Koeneman, Psy.D. Licensed Psychologist and Psychoanalyst
Mend Center for Psychotherapy is running an 8-week psychoeducational group called Mindful Self Compassion. We would love for you to reach out to us if you are ready to take the step towards a curious self-compassion. Navigate to GROUPS under the Resources tab on our website for more information.